30 Ogos.... Kau Datang Lagi

Dearie Izzyan......
its been 5 years since you left us.  I could still remember, both me and mak long got pregnant at the same time.  Double joy for Tok Mat & Nek Midah.  And both our EDD wasnt that far... you were due to born on 22nd March 2003 while Nur Aneesa Amani was expected to born on 29th March 2003. 

At your 9th weeks in me, we were scheduled for the antenatal check up.  That was the 1st time i saw u via ultra scan and Dr Ang suspected that sumthing was not right.  She expected you to be slightly bigger with arms and legs but the scan showed that you were still a beanie, smaller by 2 weeks. 

My heart beat so fast when she took a long time to look @ you and when suddenly she said, "Errmmmm your baby don look good......." thats when my heart dropped!  The saddest part was when she told us, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.... If you suffer any cramp or bleeding, please go straight to KKH.  I will prepare a letter attention to John Tee, just in case you need it.  But meantime, do eat healthily"

Dearie Izzyan..... 
both me and ayah took the news calmly.  At that moment, i could see that ayah was speechless but i knew he acted cool, so as ibu cos maklong and paklong was wif us and remember, they too went to Dr Ang for the scan :)  Anyway, after that night ibu kept asking and blaming myself on why this could happen to us?  I really could not accept the fact that i may or may not lose you.... 

On 30th August 2002, it was in the morning at work........... ibu went to the 3rd floor toilet to pee and that was the day you decided to bid me farewell.  I BLEED but there wasn't any terrible cramp during the bleeding nor after the evacuation.  The feeling at the moment was BLANK!!!! I was totally blank, dunno wat to do.  What i could remember was 1st, i smsed my supervisor Amy who was back then my colleague, "I'm bleeding... i need to go hospital"... and then called my hubby to pick me up.  Jackie & Amy rushed to the toilet to search for me but i was down at the locker to change.  When they saw me, they too were speechless....

Reach KKH A&E, John Tee was called upon to take my case.  When he started  to scan, i remember that i whispered, "Bismillahirrahmanirrahim......" hoping for the best but the scanned showed no heartbeat.  "Sorry, baby had no heartbeat.... shall we arrange for evacuation today?"

Izzyan sayang, I may not be able to hug you but before i got down the metal bed, i took a last look at you on the screen.  Izzyan Zuheyrah the Little Beanie..... that was the last time i saw you dearie....

Auntie Norma came to accompany ibu at the hospital.  Ibu dunno how much tears i've lost.... ibu tink its nature that after the process, ibu jus hate to see pregnant woman.  Ibu got jealous and sensitive easily but slowly, ibu managed to accept the fact that life has to go on.... thats when ibu decided to write a long email to all my contacts back in year 2003 to pour out my feelings and i thanked all of them for supporting me, managing the pain....

5 tahun telah berlalu, Izzyan tetap dalam ingatan ibu.  Biarpun tiada peluang untuk ibu memeluk mu, namun segala kenangan bersama mu, walaupun hanya untuk 11 minggu adalah satu kesyukuran dan kehilanganmu adalah satu kesedaran buat ibu bahawa segala yang kita miliki didunia ini, hanyalah untuk sementara.  Doa ibu, moga satu hari nanti, kita ditemukan dipintu Firdausi... amin

Al-fateha.....